May everyone have a safe, healthy and blissful new year!

My whole life is changing, again! LOL But I'm excited about this change, this curve in the road. Maybe I saw it coming this time, or maybe it just feels more like a gentle curve rather than the sharp jolts I've been experiencing over the past four years. Whatever it is though, I'm truly excited about my future, my whole life really, than I have been in years!

I was having a talk with my oldest today about things that happened in our family four years ago, when I had the four miscarriages that ultimately led to my divorce. For the first time, I was able to be completely honest with myself about what happened back then.

I'm not an ex basher, he has his issues, I have mine, but thing is, I was flat on my back for about a year and a half, either pregnant, trying NOT to miscarry our child, or else reeling from loosing yet another baby. During this I had no one in my life. There wasn't a single person who cared how I was or that tried to help me through that very dark time, and that includes my ex. Yes he was hurting too, and I understand watching someone in pain and not knowing what to do, but there wasn't a single person who even tried. That hurt more than i could probably express. However, the experience showed me once and for all, who was real in my life and who was not, and the fact was, I was nearing forty and I had no one.

On top of that, during that time, my ex allowed our home, the home that I loved and worked so hard to keep organized and beautiful, he let it become a place that should have been condemned. I think that was the key in our divorce to be honest. I was so devastated that while I was dying inside from loosing babies, and yes I get he was in pain too, I acknowledge that, but while I was dealing with this horrible loss, he killed our home, and worse he killed our family. He allowed our boys, who at the time were 11 and 14, essentially fend for themselves. He let their schooling drop, he let the structure and discipline I'd worked constantly at for every one of those 11 and 14 years just go. I came out of that time physically depleted, I could barely stand for more than an hour at a time, and emotionally and spiritually destroyed, only to find the life I used to know and cherish, was also destroyed.

With my religious upbringing, I've struggled greatly with the fact I left my nearly 20 year marriage. A part of me still can't believe I did it, but I think, seeing what happened back then in this clear new light, perhaps I can cut myself just a little bit of slack and instead of being so hard on myself, I can applaud myself for making it through, for standing up for me and my boys and for starting on a new life, as scary as it was.

I also have to acknowledge my faith and trust in God. When I was completely alone, no family, no friends, he gave me the strength I needed to pull through and to make tremendously difficult choices. He's blessed those choices with a new family, new, wonderful friends like I've never known, a new home, a new career and new dreams.

Today, I almost feel as though I've been through this tremendous storm. I remember all the times in the past four years I thought things were changing, I thought the storm had passed, but I see now that those were mere breaks in the storm. Moments of peace so I could breathe for a mere second before the storm raged on. How I feel now, is very different. I don't have that nagging fear at the back of my head that says, it's not over yet. I feel like the sun is breaking through. I can almost see the devastation all around from the ravages of that storm, but today, I know clearly, I'm a survivor!